Behind the Scenes

A couple of days ago I began the very tedious, annoying, frustrating task of re-doing my website. It basically looks like scribbles and arrows and little snippets of ideas jotted down all over my journal…I’ve mentioned it before, and I’ll mention it again…Dyslexic brains plus website code do not mix well. It takes me 3 times as long to do something simple because it takes so long for me to process how it needs to be done. But I’m slowly learning, so that’s ok I guess.
Give me some seeds, a shovel, and dirt between my fingers any day over a computer screen.

When I cut rhubarb I can never get over how gorgeous the color is.

I realized this morning that I have over 150 email subscribers to my blog. YAY.
Hilariously enough though, I have yet to send out a single newsletter. I should probably do that soon.

This week has been a very hard, very REAL week for me. I’ve come to a lot of conclusions about myself, my dreams, my goals, and my family.

I’ve tried very hard to start every day by asking God “What is it you want from this day?”
I go through the list I’ve created in my head, “Do you want me to clean, be 100% there for Lily today, cook, bake, garden, work on my website, crochet, rest?”

My planter boxes are really filling out. I’m in love with the look and the beautiful sweet pansies.

Until recently, I’ve almost used God as my virtual diary. Thinking he needs a play by play of how my day went and then going on to pray for certain things or for a certain break through in my life or others lives. I pray “God, give me patience to wait on our farm house. When the time is right, show us our forever home. Give me grace and patience. Give me wisdom. Bless the farm stand. I want to be overflowing with blessing and people.”

I’ve prayed that, almost daily for a very very long time. The funny thing is, I don’t thrive on “busy”. I don’t thrive on “bust your butt until every inch of you hurts”. I don’t thrive on “spend every moment you can building your business.” And unfortunately, I don’t think anyone can. I’ve been praying so WRONG. Do I want God to give me energy to tackle my day head on, after my sweet little girl has wanted to nurse every 1.5 hours through the night? Yes. Do I want to have droves of people coming to our farm stand? Yes. Do I want to move tomorrow? Yes.

The sun. The ferns. The cameras filter. This is one of my favorite pictures I’ve taken in a while. All of transplanted ferns came back except 1! Yay!

But do I?

You see I never started this adventure…this family life/organic living/wholistic lifestyle/grow-everything-I-eat to make money. I did it because I LOVED the soil. I loved being able to give back and help a few others learn how to eat local and nutrient dense food. I wanted to grow my plant knowledge, to dry herbs and learn to make medicinal remedies. I wanted to perfect preserving food. I wanted to grow food for my family, and my extended family. I wanted to design and sell flowers to the select few people that would appreciate their beauty.

This Japanese Maple was here when we moved in. It was so small that I wasn’t sure if it would survive the winter. It’s survived 2 winters now and the color is as beautiful as ever.

Ironically that’s what has happened so far. I haven’t sold out of a single item yet.
Greens? I wanted to sell everything, and then what would be left for me and my family?
Tulips? I wanted to cut all of them and bunch them up and be able to plant 10x more next year. But would I have even enjoyed that? Would I have enjoyed cutting them all down and not leaving anything for myself?
Rhubarb? I wanted to sell it in bulk, so weekly I would know how much to cut. But would I have been able to make pies for my own family?

Even after 25 years of knowing the Lord, I’m still shocked and amazed that I fall back into the same habits. The same “BLESS THIS GOD. BLESS THIS WAY OF LIFE. BLESS THE SALE OF THESE PRODUCTS.” And I don’t feel 100% peace. Yet I keep going…keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I get upset that I’m not selling out or selling as much as I think I should be. Then I have what I call “ephiphany days” where I finally stop going 100 miles an hour and just sit in the quiet presence of God. Then I feel his presence and hear his voice and know that I am wrong and he hasn’t “blessed these products” because he knows that thats not what should happen in the first place.

This is the very last tulip. I can’t wait for next year and the different varieties I’m going to try.

He knows what’s best for me. The very best. Would it be awesome to make a ton of extra cash weekly? Uh, ya. But is that what’s best for my life? Do I find my value in selling the things I worked SO SO SO HARD on to people who don’t care? Or who I don’t know? Or who hold no value in the beauty of what is before them?

The things I have sold have been to family and friends. And let me tell you, they have all shown me how much they appreciate what is before them. The few people who got my tulips, all treasured them. The few people who bought greens from me thanked me over and over again. The few people who bought rhubarb off of me told me stories of their grandparents having it and how no one sells it anymore, and how much they miss it.
The few people that have asked me to make crochet products for them, have been blessed by my work. I haven’t had anyone close to me ask for something and then not pay me, or not follow through with their purchase.

Real. Authentic. Gratitude. Love.

The greens are looking amazing.

That’s why I’m doing this. Not to get 50+ Instagram likes on a photo. Or to be featured in Martha Stewarts magazine. Or to become some world renowned pioneer in the sustainable locally grown food movement. I’m doing this for the people around me that love me, that support me, that cherish the beauty around them.

But most of all, I’m doing this because I love it. I’m good at what I do. I’ve found the thing that brings me JOY not just fleeting moments of “happiness”.

So, today I’ve deleted ads off of my website, because it makes it look extremely cluttered and just ugly and I don’t want that.
I’m working on reorganizing my site to be more user friendly, and informative.
I’m working on loving the small things and enjoying everyday.
I’m working on being content with what I’m good at and FOCUSING on those areas.
I’m working on letting my freak flag fly and not letting what other people in the industry do affect who I am or what I’m doing.
I’m working on broadening my perspective. What do I want to learn more about? How can I absorb more information? What can I do to stay creatively attentive?
I’m working on being 100% dedicated to my lifestyle choice. Not just being an attentive mother, gardener and wife when I feel like it. To bake bread more consistently, to use my time wisely, to eat holistically all the time, and not just when time allows.

Chives are in major bloom.

Oh hello Swiss Chard.

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