It’s hilarious what cooking and baking consist of now days.
I do it more than ever to help support my family and to know exactly what is going in our bodies. But now it takes me twice as long to make anything because I have this little sweet girl who needs me.
Motherhood has changed me. Molded me. Flipped me inside and out and put me together again.
I knew it would change me. But this much? This way? No.
I thought I would be this sleep deprived, emotional, empty, heartless, depressed zombie…Yes, seriously…those were my deepest fears.
I’ve always needed a lot of sleep, and have struggled with depression my whole life. I didn’t know what being home all the time would do to me. Or what nursing throughout the night would do to my need for sleep.
God knows. And always did know that being this chicks mom is what I was made to do. I’ve only had a few issues with depression since her birth (mainly with how my birth went) and very few sleep deprived days.
I want to be home for her. I want to bake and cook and be a homemaker for her. I want to garden and provide my family’s food and products even more than ever. Could I sit and watch TV all day and hold her? Of course!
Any mom with a baby will tell you that that’s all you want to do at times!
I went through a spell where everything sugary, carby, and terrible went in my mouth. I also only cooked and cleaned when absolutely necessary. That isn’t me. That is not the example I want to set for her. That’s not the legacy I want to leave for her.
Look at me. Talking about “legacy’s”.
I want to show her what hard work is. What being a strong, courageous woman looks like. I want to teach her how to get dirty, play in the mud, eat warm veggies right out of the Earth. I want to teach her how to cook and make amazing desserts. I want to speak life into her. Tell her she has value and courage…that she can do anything she puts her mind to.
None of those things started with me sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.
So, one day I just stopped. I got up that morning and said “No. More.” It was like a switch in my head flipped.
I got up before 10am.
I got up and made the bed.
I got up and started a routine with Lily.
I got up and ate a good breakfast…and then a healthy lunch…and then I made supper.
I got up and went outside to my garden…my garden I had let get overgrown with weeds because I didn’t care.
I spent 5 hours weeding ferociously that day. (And consequently ended up being sore and bleeding for a week afterwards).
Each day afterwards I just said “Get. Up!!”
And I did.
I didn’t even entertain the idea of being lazy and not making the bed. I didn’t even think about chocolate because it wasn’t in the house. I didn’t choose to just sit on the couch and have my husband bring home frozen pizzas again.
I chose to move and make a difference in my daughter’s life. To not only be physically there, but mentally…and to be a Godly example.
I’ve matured and grown so much since that day. I thought I was doing pretty good at the whole “married and being selfless” thing. Then she came, and I realized how selfish I still was.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t homeschool. “I’ll need a break!” I always thought, with humor.
I said I’d never be able to be home full time…I’d get a part time job or something, because being at home would drive me insane.
I said my depression would run rampant being cooped up all day.
I said I was too young to stay home.
God is so good and so funny. Because he helped me every step of the way, to overcome my fears and insecurities about being a stay at home mom and being a mother in general.
This is where God has called me. It was always the deepest desire of my heart, but God knew the perfect timing to bless me with a baby.
He knew before I was born, that there would be a morning where I sat reflecting on my life so far. That I would look back at my previous 25 years and see how he was orchestrating everything, albeit some of my more disobedient moments.